Standard (EADGBE)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a b ox under the

stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the

street from Jerry?s Bait Shop ? You know the place? Well anyway, back then

life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course

for the undeniable fact that every single morning my m other would make me

a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of

my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauer kraut?? And my dear

sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.

And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for y ou!?

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mout h

and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a h alf

years old. That?s when I swore that so meday, someday I would get out of

that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is

always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are

oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their u kulele?s all

day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly s have you?re back for a

nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t

long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local

radio station had this contest to see who could co rrectly guess the number

of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still w on

the grand prize. That?s right a first class one-way ticket, to

A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never

been on a real airplane before and I g otta tell ya it was really great.

Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with

excruciatingly severe body odour and the l ittle kid in back of me kept

throwing up the whole time . The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper

and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore .

And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a

tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the pl ane exploded in a giant

fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I h ad my

train table up, and my seat back in the full upr ight position, had my

train table up, and my seat back in the full uprig ht position, had my

train table up, and my seat back in the full upri ght position. Ah ha ha

ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I

crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big

leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my t enor saxophone, and my

twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed g low in the dark

snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holi day

Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup

right out of the ashtrays if you wanna , it?s OK their clean. Well I

checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spe ctro

vision and I was just about to eat that little c hocolate mint on my pillow

that I love so very very much when sud denly there?s a knock on the door.

Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??

There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so fi nally I

go over and I open the door and j ust as I suspected, it?s some big fat

hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh

man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and gr abbes

my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has

been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough ? And I?m like ?give

it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his l eg and

he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he che wed off my

eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a va lonic irrigation

yes indeed you better believe it. And so mehow in the middle of it all the

phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a

familiar voice, and you know what it sai d, I?ll tell you what it said, it

said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If y ou

need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to m ake a

call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and th en dial

you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbu querque! Well

to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn

vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an

instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I

decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the d onut

shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ? yah,

I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?na aa were all out of

glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa

were all out of jelly donuts.? I said , ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled

donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I

said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of

cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said , ?naaa

were out of apple fritters.? I said , ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,

?wait a minute, I?ll go check.

Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, i n that case

hands over the box and I open up the lid and the we asels jump out and they

immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi

yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. Y ou

know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goi n?

through my head. I believe it went a little something like thi s.

?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooah hh

hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh

eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just

runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener d og. And as luck

would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams , her

name was Zelda . She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite

and hair the colour of strange peaches . I?ll never forget the very first

thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?

That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we

ate together, we bathed together, w e even shared the same piece of mint-

flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and

we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, N athaniel and

Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful

night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join

the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m

just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never

saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -

lbuquerque , A - lb uquerque!

Anyway then things really started looking up for me, becau se about a week

later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That?s right I got me a part

time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee-of-the-month after I put

out that grease-fire with my f ace. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me

after that. I was getting lota attitude . OK like one time, I was out in

the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when

I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by

himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with

that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes , ?nooooo I want you to cut

off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all

indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Wel l

that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader

for crying out loud. Be sides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso

what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing

anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had

a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I

took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and scr eaming

and bl eeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he

just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YA HHHH!

OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m com pletely missing the irony of the whole situation,

man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was

I? Kinda lost my train of thought . Oh, uh, well oh okay an yway I know it?s

a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to

make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m r eally trying to say, and by

the way if one day you happen to w ake up and find yourself in an

exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the

pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at l east even

take a small bit of comfort in knowing that s omewhere out there in this

crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called

A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albu querque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albu querque,

Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuq uerque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albu querque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albu querque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

(Belch)

I'm sorry but the last part I couldn't do because it goes too fast and my fingers are sore.

So just play a bunch of notes scaling from the 20th fret to the 1st on the D string and play that

awkward chord with lots of electronic phony stuff attached to it.

Comments, Questions or maybe even Changes (which I highly doubt) send em to